Stay or Leave
by beezeswim
Summary: Now when she looks at him all she can see is first love and regrets.
1. Clean Breaks

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

A/N: Reviews appreciated!

**Clean Breaks**

_With each new embrace,  
I have tied myself up.  
More tightly into you_

When they broke up she spent three weeks lying on the couch at the ZBZ house eating ice cream and watching _Love Story_ over and over again. Casey doesn't mind that she embodied the "broken hearted girl", she just wishes she didn't listen to Frannie back then, wishes she wasn't so weak when it came to bending to the will of her sisters.

Now she's back here, trapped in this never ending cycle with him. When he mumbles a good morning in a voice husky with sleep, she wonders how this can be both right and wrong. Because Casey has spent a lot of time searching for this feeling, and to find it again with _him _is something she never could have planned for.

"Stop thinking, for just ten minutes Case." He's planting a kiss below her ear and the warmth in her belly is traveling lower as he tangles his fingers into her hair pulling her lips to meet his.

She's murmuring a 'this is wrong' into his mouth as she arches into him. Suddenly her legs are parting to make room for his body, and before she knows it they are rocking their hips together in a rhythm that's always felt natural.

She can feel his eyes on her as they lay entwined on top of the damp sheets, skin sticky with sweat, and the sunlight filtering in through the windows. There was a quiet stillness that filled his bedroom that made it her favorite part of this whole adventure.

She can't forget what it was like to be with him back then, to wake up in the morning with his hands on her skin, and to fall asleep to the sound of his laughter. In those quiet moments it was easy to fall for him, she could simply look at Cappie and see the person she was meant to be. Now when she looks at him she can only see first love and regret.

She remembers the way he used to tell her jokes over their sociology homework throwing Cheeseoritos at her head when things got to serious. They would spend hours just cuddled together in her extra long twin talking about anything and everything. Then it ended, and she couldn't even sleep in her own bed without missing the weight of his body next to her.

"What are you looking at Cap?" He's tracing lazy patterns on her stomach with his fingers, looking at her with a mischievous grin, so reminiscent of the one he constantly wore when they were together freshmen year.

"You" It's said with a tinge of laughter, and Casey can feel her heart breaking with each moment they spend together.

"I have to meet the sisters in a half hour." There is finality in her statement that she's sure Cappie will recognize, but his eyes are still filled with light.

She slowly exits the bed, shamelessly enjoying the feel of his gaze, but her bones are heavy with shame. He's following her into the shower, whatever it is between them still unspoken, and later it's his name tumbling from her mouth that breaks the silence.

They dress quickly, but Casey stops when she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She doesn't even recognize herself.

"You're still you Case." It's hard sometimes, she thinks, being with someone who knows you better than you know yourself. They are in each other's blood, the connection between the two of them almost tangible.

"I don't feel like me anymore Cap. The old me would never…" Her voice trails off as he joins her in front of the mirror, his face a breath away from her own, his fingers wrapped around her wrists.

"The old you would never have sex with your ex-boyfriend? Because…" He's tightening his grip, and his voice is strained.

"No Cappie," she's pulling away from him, and walking towards his door. "The old Casey would never screw one of my sister's boyfriends, regardless of how I felt about her. And regardless of how I feel about Rebecca Logan, this is a mistake."

Her steps are heavy as she walks away, because she's always had a lot of difficulty leaving Cappie behind.


	2. Unsaid

A/N: Ten moments in Casey and Cappie's lives together & apart, this is inspired by ten random songs, by ten very random artists.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, or the songs.

**The Eleventh Song: Unsaid**

_We're both pretty sure, neither one can tell_

_We seem difficult, what we got is hard as hell_

_A hundred thousand words could not quite explain_

_So I walk you to your car & we can talk it out in the rain_

**Independence Day: Martina McBride**

"You like fireworks Logan?" Those big eyes turn towards him as bursts of color light the sky.

"Who doesn't like firework Cappie?" She's nuzzling further into his arms, and he tightens his grip on her waist. He thinks of Casey last Fourth of July and her terrified squeaks at each explosion, her face buried in his chest, and the timid way she admitted that she's always _a little_ been scared of them.

"I dunno, just wondering."

**The Mixed Tape: Jack's Mannequin**

The playlists is on repeat and the tears stream down her face as the next song starts. She's spent the past three days wallowing; the letters Evan gave her hanging heavy around her neck.

She restarts the mix after it ends, staring at the words on the tiny screen until they all blur together. "Cappie" it reads. She remembers the way he handed it to her freshmen year, his hands shaking as she reached out and plucked it from his fingers.

**Some Devil: Dave Matthews **

She fell back into bed with him a week and a half after her first date with Evan. A year later here they are again, and she can't help but wonder why it is she chose Cappie to sleep with, why she made him her revenge.

Watching the way his chest rises and falls with each breath she is reminded that two years ago when she told him she'd always love him she wasn't lying.

Throwing her clothes on she comes to term that this probably won't be the last time she sneaks out of Cappie's room in the wee hours of the morning. His voice breaks her thoughts, and the lies come spilling out.

**Scars: Papa Roach**

The first time they really fight they are standing in the middle of the Kappa Tau house. He's drunk again, and when Casey walked into the room some skanky brunette was perched on his lap, her hands cupping his face.

She get's that he's broken, and that is part of what attracted her to Cappie to begin with, but she's so sick of having to put the pieces back together. She's so damn tired of ripping herself open over and over again just to show him that he's not the only one who's messed up.

"I can't help you fix yourself Cappie, but at least I can say I tried." It's whispered through clenched teeth right before she walks away. She doesn't even bother to look back because she's sure he's going to be banging on her dorm room door in a couple hours anyway.

**Not Coming Home: Maroon Five**

He knows that it's her and Evan's anniversary the day she shows up wasted at his front door. He won't play these games with her anymore. He can't stand to give himself to her one more time and have her walk away. She's gotten too good at it; she's become a master at turning his life upside down and then ignoring the mess she's made and just returning to her perfectly boring life.

It's not easy to listen to her muffled sobs through the door, to peak out the window and get a glimpse of her. So when he sees Rusty playing pool he calls him over.

"Your sister is outside; you might want to go see if she's ok."

Three days later he passes her on the quad and when their eyes meet he knows she's finally come to terms with the fact he won't be her fall back boy again.

**Jenny, You're Barely Alive: Rilo Kiley**

They spent every Tuesday and Thursday morning in bed, wrapped up together. She misses those mornings now, when they would slowly make love as the sun crept in through the blinds and she could see the way pleasure etched itself onto his face.

**As Long as You Love Me: Backstreet Boys **

He hears her before he sees her, a high pitched, off key voice singing along to Backstreet Boys. She's a sight for sore eyes with her hair in her face, and wearing a giant t-shirt over spandex biking shorts. He likes to think that he fell for her right then, when she pushed her hair away from her eyes, and introduced herself over the sickly sweet pop music.

He likes to think that he's stayed in love with her for this long because she was never, not once, embarrassed when the story of their initial meeting was retold.

**Barbeque Stain: Tim McGraw**

The memory of first love never fades, and when she hears his laugh through the noise at Dobbler's it takes her a minute to remember that they aren't together anymore. When she catches sight of him standing in the middle of the crowded bar, placing a kiss on Rebecca Logan she can literally feel her heart break in her chest.

**T-Shirt: Destiny's Child**

"You still have my Kappa intramural hockey shirt from freshmen year." It's a whisper in her ear as she leaves the gym after their game versus Omega Chi. What he doesn't say is that she used to slip it on after they had sex, and when he couldn't stay for the night or had pledge stuff to do she would wrap it around her pillow case so her bed would smell like him.

"Yeah?" It's pointless to deny it. What she doesn't say is that sometimes when she can't sleep or Evan disappoints her she puts it on, and in those moments between dreaming and waking up she forgets that he's not there next to her, and that things between them ended over a year ago.

But he smirks at her, and Evan squeezes her hand, pulling her closer to him and Casey's painfully aware that she's not fooling anyone.

**Firecracker: Ryan Adams**

Cappie figured it was better to go out in flames than to slowly die, so when she screamed it was over and slammed the door he let her go. She was beautiful when she was mad, her eyes glowing with rage, her face a portrait of barely controlled anger.

It took him all of twenty minutes to realize that was the biggest mistake he'd ever make.


End file.
